Speak My Own Language
I came across this article on caring for yourself in your own Love Language the other morning and it really resonated with me on a number of levels. You see, I’m my own worst critic a lot of the time; not just when it comes to writing and art, but about life itself, too. I’m very hard on myself, very critical of myself, prone to talking down to myself for being a failure. In reading this article, I realized how prevalent that was in my life and my perspective. I have rarely, if ever, cared for myself in the languages I feel loved most in.
I know that much of it stems from my childhood. There was always the expectation for me to be the Good Child, the best child; an expectation for me to make the best grades, excel at everything I applied myself to. I became my worst and harshest critic. Nothing was ever good enough. There was always something I could do better, improve upon, or be a little bit more discerning on. Through that, throughout my life, I have never been “good enough” to myself. It’s a sobering realization.
No matter how much money I made, no matter how many accolades I got in the jobs I was part of, no matter how much praise was sang by my employers — it was never good enough. I could always do better, be better, strive harder, make more money. My life became an equation of bottom lines and factors of work hours and sacrifices made for my career.
When all of that came to an abrupt end for me in the form of my auto-immune conditions coming to the fore — I felt like less than nothing. Hell, some days, I still feel that way. I feel like a failure. I feel like a dead weight on society. I feel like my life has ended and that I plod along in this miserable existence just waiting for The End to come. Sometimes I feel like this is all some Divine Punishment for not living up to my potential. I hate myself and I pity myself in turns. I struggle to remember the last time I felt true joy at anything I did, the last time I felt true pride in anything I did.
It took reading this article to realize how little I think of myself with positive thoughts, how little I love myself. My love languages, in order of priority are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Gifts, and Acts of Service. Words have power to me. Ever have I known this, ever have I used my words to encourage and uplift my friends, to give them a nudge toward their goals and their dreams, to brighten their day when they’re feeling blue. I’ve seen first-hand the power of words to change someone’s perspective. I’ve just never used that power on myself.
I need to change that. I should change that. If there is anyone within the sphere of my world and my influence that should feel the most loved and cared for — it should foremost be myself. I can’t expect others to love and cherish me if I can’t even bring myself to. I should care for myself, deeply, like I do all of my friends and the people I care about. I should want for my happiness, daily, and I should want myself to be uplifted from the pain-filled haze that I find myself mired in much of the time.
I can change this. I will change this. I am a beautiful, talented soul that still has so much to offer this world. I am courageous in my fight against auto-immune disease. I am inspiring and uplifting to others. Most of all, I am worthy, just as I am.
Love & Well Wishes to You All,
